A Year of Meditation

Today marks the one year anniversary of my experiment with Insight Timer. I don’t recall why I chose it over others like Headspace. I had used Headspace before but for whatever reason, Insight Timer won out. I have been happy with it and its content though I just discovered that the data from my phone is not syncing to my account online, making this post harder to write.

I have had a long dalliance with meditation. This is my first real experience where the dalliance became something of an affair. I can only ascribe this to the fact that Insight Timer has some basic gamification built in where for every 10 days in a row you meditate, you get a Milestone which is nothing more than an icon on the app. You also get one for every 50 days you meditate in total.

When I began last year, I struggled to ever get 10 days in a row. I began on 9/23/2019 (a much more innocent time I’m sure) and didn’t get my first milestone until October. It was my only one of the month. Then things seem to have ramped up dramatically in November with three more, 2 “10 days in a row” and 1 “50 days with a session”. Still, I was not particular consistent at that point. I achieved zero milestones in the productive month of December. However, in January, as is often the case, something changed if only temporarily. There were 4 milestones in January. January also marked my first real streak of 30+ days. Then February came, with its cold and its wind and its forgotten resolutions, and the milestones went silent.

March marked 150 days with at least 1 session. So it took me 6 months to get there which honestly is not so terrible. March and April were sporadic, never reaching 20 days in a row. Something else must have been going on to occupy my frantic mind like grocery shopping or dying in a pandemic. Then in May, I seem to have turned some corner. Starting approximately 131 days ago from today, I got semi-serious. I don’t proclaim to have gotten dedicated because many of the sessions were 5 minutes long, done right before bed and honestly, were mostly just me falling asleep with the timer running. But for 131 days now, at least once a day, I have thought “You haven’t meditated yet, better do it.”

My totals for the year are 319 days with at least one session. 285 of those have been with the basic timer and 48 have been guided using either a course or a one off with a teacher. I have completed 2 courses and am in the middle of a third. I do like the guided courses but often, I meditate right before bed and can’t use one. My total time for the year was 74 hours and 15 minutes. I started out the year doing 10 minutes on the timer and expanded it to 15 at some point. That is my go-to for now but have been thinking about bumping it up to 20.

The total number is somewhat eye opening. I always have goals of learning something like the piano or Spanish or Elixir. I start off strong, as we all do. And then nothing. With meditation, I put in 74 hours (which frankly is a paltry number, not even 2 working weeks) with regular practice. This shows me two things. First, that regular practice, even small amounts, can lead to gains over time. Of course, rationally, I know this but it’s the daily decision to put in that time that matters, not the grand goals in the beginning. Rituals and discipline are more important than ideas and dreams. Second, the daily amount of time required to learn something new is significant. To learn a language or an instrument surely requires at least twice the amount of time I put into meditation in the past 365 days. Fifteen minutes is better than nothing but learning takes time and finding thirty minutes a day in my schedule is often difficult.

That said, there are plenty of gaps where nothing productive is happening, times when a short 15 minute lesson in Spanish or some chords on the guitar or a kata in Elixir would go a long way towards, not mastery, but competency. The key is the ritual and the ability to look at the history of the ritual in a way that cements the progress in ones consciousness. In the past, I have tried to implement a kind of habit tracker in my Bullet Journal with little success. The problem is that it then has to become its own habit, where you update it daily. The friction of that was too high for some reason. A certain four year old has something to do with that because often she wants to be involved in whatever I’m doing. Covid has made this harder because she is always here, always present. Of course, Covid has made everything harder.

No grand revelations here. A year of consistent meditation doesn’t seem to have made me much better. I still struggle every single session with focus, no differently than I did in 2012. I have not achieved some moderate level of Zen. Mostly, my year with meditation has taught me the requirements for a new skill, that if I truly want to become even an amateur at anything new, the effort must be much higher. Daily dedicated practice can result in success and with things like languages or instruments, it will show results much more clearly than with meditation. An app that could track a particular activity with a basic timer and display totals over time combined with milestones not unlike Insight Timer would be pretty useful. Now only to find it and not try to write it myself since I clearly don’t have the time.

A Year In Review 2018

The blank page, like the New Year, always seems so promising, full of possibility and goals and mental assurances that THIS will be the year one definitely learns Spanish. But also like the blank page, there is a certain anxiety about the New Year, a little cricket-like voice in the corner who says it just isn’t going to happen, that nothing can possibly happen that might fill the available space or replace the emptiness with something of meaning. Which is why so few people probably bother with writing or expecting anything from a year, especially on the almost entirely arbitrary day as New Year’s Day. Alas, I have both compulsions and then the matching compulsion of evaluating the results. So here we are after a few years absence, looking back at the past and thinking about the future.

I try to set goals for every year with explicit targets because once I read on the Internet that that was the key to success. Let me tell you, it isn’t. There is plenty of advice, also on the Internet because who reads the paper these days, on successful New Year’s Resolutions. Much of that advice says just don’t do it because you’re a loser and you aren’t going to change that in the coming year. The Internet is mostly filled with melancholy cynics and frauds though. Still, the slightly OCD neurotic in me likes to update my spreadsheets that I have developed over the years and see my progress update in the progress columns. Unfortunately, in 2018, I didn’t spend a lot of time thinking about what I wanted my goals to be and so mostly, they were an abysmal failure. I’m ok with that given my inattention to setting them and then consequential inattention in achieving them. But for the record, my noncommittal, numbers based goals in 2018 were:

  • Spanish (120 hours)
  • Writing (26 documents, artifacts, letters, essays, books, etc)
  • Exercise (180 days, essentially every other day)
  • Books (18, 1.5 a month)
  • Movies watched (12)

Noble expectations all. Let’s start with the bad and move to the good. I worked on Spanish approximately 2 days out of 365 and since I didn’t spend all 24 hours those days on learning that particular Romantic language, it was essentially a zero. This was largely a conscious decision as my allotted time for both Spanish and reading books is limited by my time on the train. This isn’t entirely true but many times, extenuating circumstances like exhaustion or a couple of cocktails make it true. I really wanted to read more in 2018 and it quickly became apparent that I had to choose one or the other so Spanish got short shrift.

Movies: I didn’t watch a single one unless you count Fletch which I got sucked into one night in December when I was shutting off the TV and saw it running on HBO. Fletch is so awesome that it almost seems like 12 movies in one but still, this column is ending the year as a failure. I really like to watch movies when I do it but I never choose to do it intentionally. Also, it seems like most movies today, like most TV series, are designed to be anxiety inducing and I just prefer to skip those genres.

Writing: The 26 was chosen because that’s one thing every other week and seems totally doable when one starts setting goals. I did 11 so maybe it wasn’t so doable. The year ended with a flourish as I wrote 3 essays on these pages but mostly, I ignored it.

Exercise: 180 was chosen because that’s every other day. Science is starting to say that people who exercise between 120 and 150 minutes a week are much healthier and so I thought if I did 30-45 minutes every other day, I’d be good. Instead, I skipped almost the entire summer except for the 6 weeks in the height of July heat when we only had 1 car and I was riding my bike to the train station. Doing that resulted in 106 days of exercise or about 60% of the goal. I also track the minutes per week and ended up averaging 83 minutes per week. Those numbers seem mediocre but they are a massive increase over 2017 which had the same goals so maybe there is something to this goal setting stuff. Still, I ended the year in the worst shape of my life and running 2 miles yesterday felt like death. Much work to do here.

Books: The only real success (and it’s because I was totally focused on it for 2018) was the reading category and I finished with 18 books read. It would have been a great deal more as I had 9 read by 5/7/2018 and seemed ready to blow the goal out of the water. Then I started Metaphysics As A Guide To Morals which took over 4 months of steady reading to complete. It was worth it as I feel snobbishly smarter now but it also showed me that my concentration levels and ability to read philosophy has been seriously compromised by the lack of practice and ever present interruptions that I choose to allow into my life (looking at you Twitter and where I work). The webpage linked about goals above says if you link goals, you are more successful and you’d think if I had just written about the books I was reading, I could have hit that goal too but I managed to totally derail the science and divorce the goals from each other.

The books I did read were (in chronological order):

  • The Sea, The Sea by Iris Murdoch Wonderful book by Murdoch (you’ll see soon that 2018 was the year of Iris Murdoch for me). Her character development and stories are compelling.
  • What I Talk About When I Talk About Running This was an audio book that I listened to while working out in the mornings. Great book for seeing what an obsessional focus can accomplish for anyone.
  • Churchill and Orwell: The Fight for Freedom Compares the two men’s approach to fascism and the War.
  • One Hundred Years of Solitude Gabriel García Márquez’ masterpiece of magical realism. He died in 2014 and this book made it onto my list. Took me 4 years to get there but a wonderful book that probably requires a reread with better focus.
  • A Life Well Played Arnold Palmer’s final book on his life. I wrote about it in these pages.
  • The Irony of American History Reinhold Niebuhr’s book on our country’s ironic existence, our inability to come to terms with our place in the world and the implications. This book definitely should have spawned some writing but didn’t. One of the downsides of reading on the train versus in a quiet corner at home is the difficulty of making notes and then following up on them.
  • Drop Dead Healthy Jacobs is a neurotic but it makes for amusing books.
  • Louis Brandeis: American Prophet Anyone who follows me on Twitter knows I strongly believe we have neglected our anti-trust beginnings and history by allowing companies like Amazon, Google and Facebook to grow to proportions that give them inordinate control over our lives. Brandeis was the forefather in America of these thoughts and this book gives a good overview of his life and academic and judicial reasonings.
  • The Moviegoer One of Walker Percy’s best novels centered around our anxiety producing lives with their existential dread and alienation.
  • Metaphysics as a Guide to Morals. The aforementioned philosophy book by Iris Murdoch who looks at our culture and belief system in an age that is increasingly secular and without the moral anchors of God and religion. It examines the main philosophical schools of her time, structuralism and existentialism, finds them lacking and returns to her personal beliefs in Plato and his philosophy where The Good is the key driver for happiness and moral behavior. A fascinating book for those who struggle with these same things.
  • In A Narrow Grave Larry McMurtry’s book of essays on culture, his books, his family and a variety of other topics. Wonderful writing about Texas and its literary history. I could read John Graves and McMurtry over and over again.
  • Goldeneye: Where Bond Was Born An examination of the Jamaican genesis for Ian Fleming’s Bond. I wrote about it briefly in my Turks And Caicos review. Worth reading both for the history of Bond and for Fleming’s ambivalent interactions with a changing colonial world that has slight implications for America as she possibly begins to extract herself from wars around the world.
  • The Man Within Graham Greene’s first novel.
  • Dead Solid Perfect Dan Jenkins vulgar, hilarious novel about the PGA tour in its middle years. I loved it but I’m a golf nerd.
  • The White Album Joan Didion’s book of essays. Incisive and wonderful, I love Didion’s writing.
  • The Bell Murdoch’s first novel on religion and the struggle of the modern world with increasing secularism.
  • The Fire Next Time Basically a book length essay by the premier chronicler of the Civil Rights movement. Baldwin is hard for white people to read but if more of us did so, perhaps this country would be better off.
  • The Italian Girl Another Murdoch novel.

I’m pleased with that list and other than the very clear focus on Murdoch, it’s a wide array of topics, fashions and styles.

So what to expect from 2019? I’m bumping my books goal to 24. I actually have less reading time these days because my train ride has been cut by 75% but because the time itself is unchanged, I think I can achieve this by reading more at home, more in the mornings and at lunches.

Writing goal will remain the same at 26. Spanish is going away this year as I realize it just doesn’t seem to fit into my schedule. Exercise goals will remain the same and I’m hoping to find a race or event that will be an overall motivator for the daily goal of getting back into shape. I’m also dropping movies from the list. It’s clear they aren’t really a priority.

I’m going to try and do 6 woodworking projects. I know of 3 already on the list so this bar may be too low but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

On the ambiguous “resolutions not goals” side of things which probably immediately dooms it, I plan to spend less time on the activities that prevent me from living a well-examined life. The main culprits here are drinking and Twitter. Looking back at 2018, I can’t possibly even estimate how much time was wasted on those two things that could have been used instead to achieve things worth writing about here. They are both the simple carb that immediately pleases the lizard areas of my brain but provide no long-term benefits and probably actively destroy things that are good and useful.

This examination of 2018 hasn’t even begun to touch my Bullet Journal and the topics there like vacations and time spent with family. Suffice it to say, 2018 was tumultuous but good for the Bim family and if we could only sell that goofy Oak Cliff house, 2019 would be off to a fantastic start.

Notes On A Sermon – The Right Time

Then I felt too that I might take this opportunity to tie up a few loose ends, only of course loose ends can never be properly tied, one is always producing new ones. Time, like the sea, unties all knots… — Iris Murdoch in The Sea, The Sea

As God’s fellow workers, we urge you not to receive God’s grace in vain. For he says “In the time of my favor I heard you, and in the day of salvation I helped you.” I tell you, now is the tie of God’s favor, now is the day of salvation.
II Corintians 6:1-2

Whereupon I begin a series of possibly 1 to N posts writing my thoughts down on the Sunday morning sermon at Kessler Park United Methodist Church. This Sunday we talked about time and our usage and abuse of it, our habit of treating it as an unlimited resource and our stewardship campaign of this year which is called Connect 52. A central theme of Connect 52 is giving an hour to God and possibly the church every week so that if everyone participated, we would collectively spend 52 hours each this year on God.

Of course, this likely caused some anxiety in those people prone to the disease as they wondered where in the clearly not unlimited supply of time they hold could they possibly find an extra hour. Reverend Magruder wanted to address this anxiety because finding that proverbial extra time in our not so unlimited time bucket was not the intent. The intent in fact is an analyzation of our usage of time to see if the way we currently spend our time is in fact both useful to God and to ourselves. The question is not “can you please find an extra hour in your week to spend with God and the church?” but instead “can you find an hour, any hour, not an extra hour, that you are currently spending frivolously and instead redirect that to a more meaningful use, a use for God or for growing relationships or giving back to the community?”

Framed in this way, the question becomes clear and anxiety free. Well, except that Rev. Magruder invoked the Death Clock as his main tool for bringing to the forefront our typical attitude towards time as an unlimited resource. The Death Clock tells you when you are going to die. It’s morbid. But it’s also surprisingly freeing in a Stoic way that causes us to confront our own impending death (and no matter what the Death Clock says, our deaths are impending from a geologic consideration of time). I’m going to die on September 21st, 2046 which saddens me because that’s before the State Fair of Texas starts that year. There is another Death Clock which apparently got their actuarial tables from some guy at State Farm whose cat just died as they are significantly more depressing. According to that site, I’m done for on Monday April 12th, 2038. The good news is I won’t have to pay taxes that year. Oddly, average male testers with my BMI have an average life span of 81.7 years. Death-clock.org must somehow know I had 3 donuts and a handful of Hershey’s kisses for lunch yesterday.

Regardless of the results of the fun sites above, I apparently have less than 30 years left and in the case of the latter, less than 20. I was sure I was going to live forever. Thinking about such things might in fact reintroduce the aforementioned anxiety regarding time even if the church didn’t selfishly want .03% of my remaining 169,995 hours. Or instead, the results might refocus one on things that matter and time wasted in a very limited lifespan. There is nothing that can be done about the time washed under the bridge at our feet and so we shouldn’t worry about the past. Also, nothing can be done with the time we have left though we can try to increase our allotment with healthy choices. Instead, only the moment is important and how we are spending it which is what II Corinthians 6:1-2 was saying.

Rev. Magruder then talked about what he thought were the four top ways we misallocate our time. The first was by spending too much time on work. I am fortunate in that this is not a problem for me mostly. I have come to a certain detente with my position at work and for the most part, never think about it at home and I rarely work extra hours. Others are not so lucky and spend an inordinate amount of their limited lives thinking about something for which they aren’t properly rewarded or considered. If you are working for The Man as they said in the 60s, you owe him no more of your life than the agreed upon 40 hours. Even if you don’t work in a salaried position, there is always the question of if spending time on work is better for you than spending it on something more rewarding.

The second big time misallocation is distraction, especially in our distracted, divisive anti-social world. We are regularly manipulated through our own actions and the actions of corporations vying for our eyeballs and money to spend our time in ways we may look back upon in disgust when the Death Clock man comes calling. iPhones apparently now have a way to see how many times you looked at your phone and what you did on it. Android P has something similar. I do struggle with this one as my 16.2K tweets can attest. Luckily, those 16.2K tweets are hilarious and widely read.

The third misallocation of time is not spending enough time with God. This of course almost goes without saying, even for those who regularly give to God and the church, as our society becomes less and less religious over time. Even for those who are non-believers, this can be phrased as not spending enough time doing things that improve society or community.

And the fourth misallocation is procrastination which is a massive loss of time for me. There is always tomorrow. I can work out tomorrow. I can stop eating carbs tomorrow. I can stop drinking tomorrow. I can write that novel or application or whatever tomorrow. But as the verse above points out, now is the appropriate time. There is no other more appropriate time then now to begin.

Facing the fact that time is rushing away through our fingers like sand at the beach can be depressing. Or it can be a way to refocus (or possibly focus for the first time for many of us) on what is important. With only 169,995 hours left, I better go do some pushups. And start writing a great deal more often.

Navel Gazing 2016 Edition

Whereupon I write stuff about the year that was 2016 and try to figure out what to do in 2017. Warning: this is fourteen year old girl level introspection stuff with only the thin veil of some philosophy from the 1950s to make it look acceptable. Read at your own risk.

As in 2015, in 2016, I had five main goals: learn more Spanish, write more, read more, exercise more and watch more movies. Because I’m a data geek, I track those goals because evidence shows that you need to be very specific in your goal setting if you want to actually succeed. In 2016, I achieved 75% of my movie goal, 63% of my exercise goals, 50% of my book goals, 27% of my Spanish goals and 15% of my writing goals. Super successful then. Though I did achieve all of my diaper changing goals. So there’s that. So then the natural reaction for a navel gazer is to wonder what happened. Were the goals too aggressive (maybe)? Was the desire to achieve the goals insufficient (probably)?

Of course, it’s not like nothing momentous happened in 2016. I now have a daughter who is beautiful and happy and healthy and absolutely fills my heart with a sensation I can’t even possibly begin to express within the limits of a language like English (maybe French or Russian but given how far from my Spanish goals I ended up, I’m doubtful of writing French poetry any time soon). But on an actual personal level, I feel pretty unaccomplished this year (and here’s where all the other parents stand up and say “welcome to the club”). I didn’t write much and almost all that I did was in February, read half as many books as I wanted, watched two-thirds of the movies (and some of those were repeats), exercised some early in the year but basically gave up in the last several months and didn’t advance much on the bilingual front (which isn’t entirely true, last time I logged into Duolingo, I was 10% fluent but it’s still way behind my goal).

One of the benefits of tracking specifically the goals as well as having the same goals over multiple years is that you can compare the progress. Were things better in 2016 than 2015? Yes, mostly. I learned significantly more Spanish, exercised moderately more and read more books. I wrote less in 2016, at least from a public production stand point and watched 2 fewer movies. But overall, 2016 got better than 2015.

I did just finish reading At The Existentialist Cafe which is a broad sweep of the philosophers who created existentialism including Simone de Beauvoir who my daughter’s middle name comes from. It is a fantastic look into a time when major magazines covered philosophers and their work, examining the impacts and the celebrity of these thinkers, i.e. the opposite of 2016 where major magazines covered an unbelievably terrible election and totally missed the entire thing. Existentialism focuses on the actual events of life, the things as they are when the layers of crap have been stripped away. It also focuses on freedom, a fundamental characteristic of being human and the implications that characteristic has on our every day life. Reading this book, which examines both the men and women who developed existentialism and the time period from which they came (WW I through about 1960), it was striking how much attention in the actual world was paid to a philosophy and how much influence that philosophy had in art and literature and even politics.

Man is condemned to be free. Because once he is thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does. Jean-Paul Sartre

We don’t often think of freedom as a condemnation, do we? And yet, the constant need to make decisions brings upon us an anxiety that many of us find too difficult to deal with. Freedom isn’t all fun and games. It is this constant interplay between choice and anxiety that existentialism focuses on. It’s interesting to think about freedom as a burden but it is because with choice comes consequences. Don’t want to exercise? Have fun with heart disease or back surgery. Don’t want to read because Facebook seems more fun today? Don’t be upset when you aren’t any smarter than you were yesterday.

But choose well and your life is at least 75% yours, probably as long as you don’t have something terrible happen. Obviously there are limits to what control you actually have over your own life but everyone has some control. Sartre argued for the concept of authenticity, of being true to what it was that you are. Here’s a quote from the book:

If this sounds difficult and unnerving, it’s because it is. Sartre does not deny that the need to keep making decisions brings constant anxiety. He heightens this anxiety by pointing out that what you do really matters. You should make your choices as though you were choosing on behalf of the whole of humanity, taking the entire burden of responsibility for how the human race behaves. If you avoid this responsibility by fooling yourself that you are the victim of circumstance or of someone else’s bad advice, you are failing to meet the demands of human life and choosing a fake existence, cut off from your own ‘authenticity’.

As I read this, I thought about all the times I made a choice that was not only bad for me but also bad for the whole of humanity. Certainly, this is a heavy burden but imagine the changes in the world if we even slightly considered humanity when we made decisions.

This battle with anxiety in order to achieve authenticity is fundamental to existentialism and the more I think about it, to human existence. I tracked all my goals this year as I often do. But I didn’t track how many times I mindlessly opened Facebook or Twitter because it was an easier choice than picking up a hard book or writing code. I made excuses: I only have 15 minutes, the baby may wake up, I’ve had 3 beers – but excuses are just that, a way to escape from the fact that choices were made that lessened authenticity in my life.

So while 2016 was way behind on the goal scale, perhaps things can change in 2017 assuming the world doesn’t end in WWW III or the zombie apocalypse. This is the only life we have, regardless of what you think happens when it ends. Existentialism teaches us to focus on our choices and to choose a path to our greatest authenticity.

At the end of the book, there is a discussion of existentialism and technology. Interestingly enough, Heidegger wrote extensively on this topic and it seems even more relevant today in a world where our lives seem to be almost entirely lived out online (irony duly noted that I’m saying this in an online forum). The Internet (and I’m thinking specifically of Facebook and Twitter here) removes depth and authenticity from everything. When I post to Facebook, I do so on a platform created specifically to profit from my data. Once I do that, that experience is no longer mine, it belongs to the “Other” from existentialism, the concept of that which is outside ourselves. A post, a picture, a note on Facebook reduces me to the sum of those things and removes context and depth and privacy from my actual self. It steals my authenticity except that it was my choice, made freely, and thus is actually me reducing my authenticity voluntarily.

In 2017, I want to spend more time with my daughter and less time with my phone. I want to spend more time with my wife and less time with social media. I want to spend more time with my parents and in-laws and less time giving away my authenticity. I want to spend far more time in the outdoors, teaching my daughter about nature and the world and less time wondering if anyone liked something I said on a platform that uses me as the product. These are things that will increase my authenticity. They will increase my intellectual abilities and not make me feel weirdly anxious after doing them.

So my concrete goals for 2017 remain mostly unchanged from 2016: 120 hours of Spanish work (down from 180 in 2016, 50 accomplished in 2016), read 18 books (9 read in 2016), watch 12 movies (9 in 2016), exercise 180 times (115 in 2016) and write 26 things (down from 52 in 2016, 8 accomplished in 2016).

More specifically, I want everything I do to increase my authenticity. So for January, I’m going to start an experiment. All content will be placed here on AEIS instead of Facebook or Twitter. I’m not sure that’s totally an improvement but for at least one month, I won’t be the product. I won’t be driven by likes or retweets or any other false metric for authenticity. Additionally, we as a family are going to take a technological Sabbath every Sunday as well. We will focus on each other, our extended families, our house, our animals, our experiences and we will not be online. We will produce and create, not consume and absorb. We will read an actual newspaper and play actual games and go on actual walks and hikes.

Here’s to a stronger, blessed 2017. I hope your year turns out to be everything you choose it to be.

Books read in 2016
Thirteen Moons
The Black Swan
The Hitchhiker’s Guide To the Galaxy
The Age of Unreason
Star Island
Then We Came To The End
Waiting for Godot
The War of Art
At the Existentialist’s Cafe

Movies seen in 2016
It Happened One Night
Herb And Dorothy
Ocean’s Eleven
The Long Hot Summer
Secret Lives of Pets
Tomorrow Never Dies
National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

On Achieving Goals

Ah the tabula rasa of the New Year where so many of us decide how much better we’re going to make ourselves in the next 365 days. We decide to lose weight or get our finances in order or be more productive. Occasionally we announce to the world these lofty ambitions like Donald Trump boasting how rich he is. Then for a month or six weeks or if we’re really lucky to the spring equinox, we really focus on these “goals”. We go to the gym. We save money. We write blog posts. And then something quietly breaks that we aren’t even aware of and suddenly it’s August and we’ve gained the weight back plus found a new appreciation for that kick ass donut shop that just happens to be on the way to work. What happened?

As it turns out, having goals makes us largely unhappy according to James Clear. This makes intuitive sense because goals so often end in failure for a variety of reasons. Then we are left with a fundamental lack of accomplishment. For several years, I’ve wanted to learn Spanish. That’s a Goal. But having Goals without a clear path to achieving them is destined for failure. What you also need is a system or a habit plus a reasonably accurate, mostly simple way to track that system (not the goal). This kind of thinking leans heavily on “small strokes fell great oaks”. We are creatures of habit but the key is getting into a habit of doing something different from our current habits. As it turns out, lots of small steps are a lot easier on the path to new habits than huge jumps. Yet our Goals are necessarily designed around these huge jumps.

Having a system mediates that. A system involves what you do every single day to achieve a Goal. If you want to write a book, your system is “write for an hour every day and track the number of words”. If you want to lose weight, your system is “I’m going to follow the five rules of the Slow Carb Diet.” If you want to write 26 letters, your system is “I’m going to write one letter every first and third Saturday of each month”. These systems are formalizations of the cues that are necessary to form new habits which lead to progress towards change. The beauty of systems and cues over goals is that even if your goals turn out to be slightly harder than you thought, you can still gain a great sense of achievement by analyzing the results of your system if you track it well.

Let’s say your goal is to win the Masters next year. Your system is hit 500 balls a day. You record this in a spreadsheet and write an easy sum function and an easy averaging function to display progress. In 2017 when you are watching the Masters on the couch, if you have followed your system, you almost guaranteed to be a MUCH improved golfer regardless of the result of the goal. This is key to Clear’s third tenet linked above concerning the fact that Goals make you think you have control over things you don’t. So many times life gets in the way and we lose sight of our goals. But if we have a solid system in place like “Don’t eat white starchy things”, we are more likely to just keep plugging right along. Also, having that system/process viewpoint can help on the days we don’t do well or have slight setbacks. If my system is workout 60 minutes a day, a day where I only do 30 minutes isn’t the end of the world because I can go for a long run on the weekend. I don’t feel guilty about working out less on some days when the system is in place.

Systems lead to progress and we can take comfort in progress even if goals are never reached. I find it helpful to know where I am in my system so I built a basic spreadsheet where I can track activities that move me towards my goals. You could easily copy it and modify it for your goals and progress. I have instant feedback on where I am which helps me feel much better about my progress (or identify places that I’m falling behind. Time to watch a movie!). And this provides the behavioral reinforcement of the system which hopefully results in a very positive feedback cycle. With that in hand, I will be able to look back at the end of 2016 and feel very good about the progress I’ve made regardless of the end result.

The Year in Review And Beyond

Inspired by David Collum’s epic Year in Review post (and it is epic in both senses of the word and I highly recommend you read it), here is my year in review that once upon a time was a semi-regular occurrence around The Experiment but like The Experiment itself has fallen on hard times lately. Perhaps a mini epic post (like Lonesome Dove, Abridged) could reawaken the slumbering literary dwarf within me.

Picasso came into our lives this year after we lost Rocky last December. We got him from SPCA Dallas and he has been a happy addition to the family. He has a personality that is a cross between Garfield and Bucky. Vincent and Scooter put up with him as well as they can.

My main learning goal last year was Spanish. I definitely did not spend 180 hours on Spanish. I don’t have a set routine at home for studying Spanish so the main way I get in time is on the train. Unfortunately, there were two large projects at work this year that involved lots of working late and taking the train home late is right below “Prostate exam” on my list of favorite things to do. So for two months in the summer and six weeks in the fall, train riding, and thus Spanish lessons, ground to a halt. This is a lame excuse but the only one I have. On the upside, I actually learned a lot of Spanish in the time I did spend. Duolingo currently says I’m 2% fluent which is probably about right. That sounds pathetic after a full year but I can read at a higher rate than that for sure. Listening is still a problem but I’m starting to pick up words from random conversations (especially if they revolve around cerveza or carne or tacos de lengua). Assuming work life returns to something resembling normality, I think my fluency rate will start to ramp up as I get enough foundation laid.

The big trip for the year was my company trip to Beaches Turks and Caicos. This was an incredible vacation to a destination we wouldn’t likely have visited or been able to afford on our own. We went in September which is the lowest of the low season and that certainly helped. We had the resort to ourselves and in talking to several staff members, the difference in number of visitors in September compared to the high season of April-June was extreme. The diving was excellent, on par with the reefs of Belize without having to go far off shore. If we were to ever visit again, I would definitely want to dive during the week because they go farther offshore and to different locations. There were 19 restaurants on premises and never any shortage of new food to try. Favorites were the French restaurant Le Petit Chateau and the Japanese restaurant Kimono’s. We didn’t do any off premise excursions because the resort was so large. I think we definitely could have spent a week there with no problems.

Probably an equally fun trip was a week long excursion to Gulf Shores, Alabama with friends. We stayed in a 5 bedroom house on the bay with beautiful sunsets and access to a pier right behind the house. The beach was an easy walk from there and we spent large amounts of time in the surf. We ate and drank like gluttons but it was vacation and thus perfectly expected.

We camped in two new locations. The first was over Labor Day in Caprock Canyons State Park. We went that way in an attempt to escape the heat but largely failed as it was 95+ during the day all weekend. The park was beautiful and it looked like the hiking was really good but we didn’t get to do nearly as much as we would have liked because of the heat. In the future, we’ll want to book earlier to get an electric campsite as all the tent camp sites are a decent walk from the parking area and not particularly secluded from each other.

In November, we camped at Caddo Lake State Park with friends. It was pretty rainy but we still managed to have quite a bit of fun. The canoeing was the best part as we went quite aways down the new paddling trail there. It’s very serene and peaceful back in the swamp. I’d like to do another trip there and take the gear out to the WMA via canoes or kayaks for more primitive camping.

Skink – No Surrender – I love Carl Hiassen and his crusade through fiction to increase the public’s appreciation for Florida’s disappearing natural beauty. This is actually a young adult book that I must have accidentally requested from the library but it’s a fun and easy read, good for the beach or the train. His characters are a wacky group of oddballs and misfits who thrive in the craziness of South Florida. Probably not too exciting for narco fascist real estate developer types but everyone else should find his books fun to read.

To Rise Again At A Decent Hour – This book popped up in my consciousness randomly when I saw a review for it in the Dallas Morning News. Ferris’ voice isn’t mainstream and it takes a little while to decide if the book is good. But there are some good characters here and there is definitely a theme of community and its meaning that I found inspiring. I was reminded of The Broom of the System as I read it as both books switch between reality and fantasy regularly.

Shop Class as Soulcraft – More fully reviewed here but this book had a profound effect on my thinking about our throwaway society and our inability to treasure what we have.

The Wilderness Warrior – Reviewed here

Switch – An excellent book on why our efforts at self-change largely fail and ways to change that. A book length exposition on The Elephant and The Rider originally explained in The Happiness Hypothesis, this book explains why we struggle to lose weight, learn a language, make more friends or workout more. Finding ways to motivate the Elephant and ways to not overwhelm the Rider are key. Search YouTube for great videos from the authors if you want an introduction into how you can manage change in your life.

The 4 Hour Work Week – Tim Ferriss’ first book laying out the ideas behind the rest of his media empire. Thought provoking to say the least, I came away from this book with more understanding of passive income and the effects it can have on your life. While I don’t ascribe to his ideas of lots of mini-retirements instead of one long boring one at the end of life (mostly because I don’t want to live in Hong Kong or Australia or wherever), the idea of having a steady flow of passive income that frees you from the addiction of a steady paycheck is appealing. Appealing enough that one of my goals this year is to follow through on acquiring a modicum of passive income (see Goals).

Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas – Hunter S. Thompson’s epic tale of debauchery and gonzo journalism, I read this on the beach in Gulf Shores because it seemed slightly fitting. I wonder how much of our reliance on Reality TV for entertainment in today’s world has its roots in the work of Hunter S. Thompson. Fiction and non-fiction began to converge with his work (see also The Kentucky Derby Is Decadent and Depraved, a favorite of mine) and this was where it started.

The Long Narrow Road To The Deep North – An incredible book following the life of one man through his journeys in POW camps in the Pacific theater in World War II and the effects of a singular love of a woman throughout. I’m seeing many of the same themes in Charles Frazier’s Thirteen Moons that I’m reading now. The Long Narrow Road is depressing in its vivid descriptions of the lives of POWs under Japanese control. A strong sense of fatalism runs through the course of the novel and is epitomized by the Japanese officers in their brutal actions towards the prisoners. One of the best books I read in 2015.

That Old Ace In The Hole – I think my mom gave me this book a long time ago when she inherited it from someone. I had originally found it slow and uninteresting. Like the brussel sprouts of my youth, I guess I wasn’t ready for it yet. It had been sitting on my bookshelf unread for years patiently waiting and I pulled it down this summer. I’m not sure how it stayed there so long. As an Amarillo boy, this tale of a man working for Global Pork Rind Company as a scout for possible pig farms in the Texas and Oklahoma Panhandles struck home both because my grandparents’ farm in the Oklahoma Panhandle was sold as a potential pig farm and for the sweeping descriptions of the landscapes of those areas. Most people encounter the Panhandle and find it lacking of all interesting features but there is an aching beauty in the plains and grasslands that is sublime. This book captures much of that for me and I think I found it more interesting on second reading many years older as I realize things I miss about that area of Texas.

The Graveyard Book – Highly recommended to me by Mara, this was my first introduction to Neil Gaiman and a worthy one. The fantasy world Gaiman creates inhabited by all manners of good and evil and in-between characters is rich and engrossing. More and more my taste in fiction revolves around epic tales of a singular life and while this book is fantasy, it fits the bill. I need to put a few more Gaiman books on my list for 2016.

The World’s Largest Man – Easily the funniest book I have ever read. Mara would often mention to Scooter “He’s reading the book that makes him giggle cry again.” It’s a memoir of the author’s father and the experience of growing up in the rural South. Nothing I say about it can explain how funny it is so you should just read it. Read this as a precursor and try not to shoot milk out your nose (especially if you’re drinking coffee).

All The Pretty Horses – The first book in Cormac McCarthy’s border trilogy (The Crossing and Cities of the Plain being the other two), this book is representative of McCarthy’s incredible use of the English language to describe the old west in different terms that we used to see in the westerns of Louis L’Amour and others. McCarthy is one of the great novelists of this and the last century. I tried once to read The Road which is his latest but found it too depressing. However, all other books of his including Blood Meridian, The Orchard and Suttree have been outstanding.

In recent years, my goals have been very similar and they are unlikely to change much this year. I’d like to get to 10% fluency or so in Spanish according to Duolingo. Once again, it feels like the 2015 hunting season got away from me. I didn’t go bowhunting in October at all when the season first opened and just haven’t spent much time in the woods. I’m hoping to have a lease next year but we’ll see if that works out with everything else that is on the table. I’d like my exercise to be more consistent regardless of weather. I regularly use the heat of the summer as an excuse not to workout but I’m finding it harder and harder to come back from 2 months off. Probably the biggest goal for this year is to have some form of a passive income stream. I’m setting the bar pretty low I think in saying I’d like to be able to make one mortgage payment from passive income this year which would be $750. I feel like my best chance at that is to write books that people want to read so the main focus in the first part of 2016 will be on that. That will probably require an entire post in itself though.

I’ve had a goal of writing letters for two years now and it’s never even sort of been achieved. Neither did last year’s “Write 52 things”. I might have written 10 things. I’d like to reattempt both of those again. The key to goals though is having set times and habits for achieving them and I worry that there are too many things I think I want to do. Spanish is easy enough with consistent train rides but writing letters and blog posts and exercising require set times in the schedule. Something as specific as “write a letter on the 1st and 15th of each month” would probably be sufficient. So I’ll try these goals that have ways to track them built in.

  • Become 10% fluent in Spanish by studying for 180 hours
  • Be more fit by averaging 300 a minutes of exercise a week
  • Write 26 letters by writing one on the first and third Saturday of every month
  • Read 18 books (this will be a 50% increase over last year but again should be easier with regular train ride
  • Have a passive income stream of at least $750 a year by writing a book 1000 people buy

Looking Forward with Trepidation
If you read Collum’s tome linked above (or have a lick of sense or follow Zerohedge on Twitter), you probably realize things aren’t so good out in the real world. According to Credit Suisse, 25% of all Americans have a negative net worth. Pensions across the country are horribly underfunded. The six biggest banks in the world are now 50% bigger than they were at the beginning of the financial crisis that nearly destroyed the world (or so we’re told). We are now in the 6th longest recovery since the Civil War (read: we are long overdue for a correction). The Fed has expanded their balance sheet to extremes we’ve never seen before. S&P 500 forward earnings are plummeting while the S&P continues to saunter northward. The dollar is getting stronger and stronger while other currencies are getting weaker and weaker. I have a tendency of reading sources that just strengthen my confirmation bias (don’t we all?) but it seems to me that the US economy is teetering on the brink. This “recovery” has been just about as weak as it could be while still being considered a recovery. Collum makes the analogy of walking into your kid’s room and pulling out some building blocks. Start stacking them up as high as you can. Eventually you reach a point where some seemingly unrelated random event causes the whole thing to come crashing down. A cat sneezes or a branch falls on the roof or a dust mite gets a wild hair and lands on top. When things are structurally unsound, it doesn’t take much to push them over. The US economy (and to an equal or even greater degree, the entire world) feels like it’s a big stack of children’s blocks.

What to do about that? It seems to me that being a contrarian is almost always the way to go as it relates to stocks, gambling or Settlers of Cataan. That is, do what other people aren’t. The American people have more debt that they know what to do with? You should do everything in your power to have zero debt. Stocks going up in spite of bad news and bad forward earnings? Sell. Gold and silver and oil at multi-year lows? Maybe time to buy some. Governments declaring war on cash? Make sure you have some around, preferably in harder assets than the paper they print.

I’m no economist though that should hardly disqualify me from writing about the economy given most economists dismal track records. But I do understand regression to the mean and law of averages and how evolution works to some degree. And so if we’re in one of the longest recoveries on record without a recession and none of the crap financial genetic material that caused the last disaster got cleaned out, I feel like we’re overdue for some pain. And that tends to worry me a little. But who knows? Let’s just go buy something at the after Christmas sale and we’ll all feel better.

I don’t have any. If you came here for conclusions, you’ve been horribly misled. Overall, we had a pretty good year here at the Experiment. Here’s to a successful and prepared 2016 as well.

Lent 2015

I don’t have a lot of traditions but Lent seems to be a consistent one that I uphold. For me it’s a journey of both sacrifice and growth. I give something up to experience the sacrifice inherent to the original Lent and I try to find something creative to do each day as a way of growing. Last year, I chose to write a blog post every day. That wasn’t only a growth goal, it turned out to be quite a sacrifice as it takes a lot of dedication and time to write even a banal few paragraphs. Towards the end, I resorted several times to haikus or complaints about how hard it is to write every day. I’m not sure that’s in the spirit of the goal.

This year, we have a family Lenten sacrifice. We have struggled some over the last year or so with financial issues from a “we’re in a new relationship and there are some things to hammer out” view, from a “we’re spending too much money on bowel movements and hangovers” view and not to mention from a “we had a really awesome wedding in Savannah” view. Some of these were conscious choices we made. I wouldn’t trade the wedding for anything. Others were habit, the habit of just pulling out a card. Paying for some average food and a couple of drinks with a card is painless. Paying for average food and a few drinks with a $50 bill isn’t so painless. If you read any of the mainstream “no-debt” resources, almost all of them advocate paying with cash to make you aware of your spending, painfully aware in some cases. From this awesome post at Get Rich Slowly

  • Paying in cash forces you to consider the real purchase price – No matter what you’re buying, the fact that you’re paying in cash turns it into an entirely different experience. That’s because you have no choice but to consider how much money you’re paying overall, and not just what you’ll have to pay on a monthly or yearly basis.
  • Paying in cash might help you spend less – When you force yourself to pay in cash, big ticket items start to lose their appeal. Try walking into a dealership with the intention of paying $15,000 or $20,000 for a newer car. All of a sudden, the prospect of keeping your old paid-off junker becomes an incredibly attractive option. Am I wrong?
  • Paying in cash keeps you out of debt – The best thing about refusing to finance things is that it keeps you out of debt in the first place. We all know what a slippery slope that can be. There are so many benefits to being debt-free, including the option to save more of your income, less stress, and of course, the feeling of not really being beholden to anyone. It’s a freeing feeling, and it’s one that I will never, ever surrender without a fight.

Dave Ramsey says much the same thing. The powers that be tricked us when when they gave us all credit and debit cards and taught us that we could afford anything. Anytime something is easier, it should immediately arouse suspicion especially when it comes to spending money. So we’re embarking on a Lenten journey of paying cash for everything outside of bills and auto fuel. I’m toying with shutting down even the bills and sending in actual checks like people in the Stone Ages did (no offense, Mom). The upside of all of this is that come April 1st, we won’t have to listen to the sucking sound of a $1000 or more black hole coming from the bank account as our credit cards swallow money.

For a positive family Lenten challenge, we’re going to spend one night a week dedicated to just us. We’ll have dinner and then play a game or read a common book. The goal is for it to be interactive, to avoid the passivity of the computer or the TV. I’ve been wanting to learn Go for a long time so if we just trade off every week between that and Rummikub, maybe I’ll only get my tail kicked every other week.

On a personal side, I’m going to repeat last year’s sacrifice of sugar. I started this year with some new personal record blood work (where the personal record is cholesterol through the roof). I have some personal ideas about carbohydrate intake and cholesterol that are, umm, not mainstream. Last year, I had my LDL levels down to 164 which is pretty good for me. In January, they were back up to 245. Obviously, that’s a heart attack waiting to happen according to the mainstream medical media. I’m pretty sure it’s a result of 4 months of eating like I was getting married and next to zero exercise. That 164 value came in May last year when I was eating well, had just come off of giving up sugar for Lent and was exercising a reasonable amount. I don’t think that’s a fluke. To really kick things off with a bang, I’m going to do my longest fast ever, 48 hours. There is a wealth of information out there in support of regular and intermittent fasting as a healthy practice. I’ve been doing intermittent fasting (food intake only between 12 and 8ish) for a couple of weeks. But the health benefits of a 48 hour fast are hard to ignore so I’d like to start integrating that into my eating. So starting today, until Thursday night, it’s water and coffee and tea only.

On the growth side, I’m going to think about it some today but I’m leaning towards something similar to last year as well when I wrote every day. If I did that, I’d expand it out to “write, draw or play the saxophone/piano” every day. On the upside, I miss those right brain creative type things. On the down side, I have some goals for 2015 that would likely suffer because there are only so many hours in the day. Things like Spanish and reading would go to the backburner. I have ways to mitigate this because I have a 2 hour train ride each day. But writing more personal code or exercising would be harder and harder to fit in. So that’s going to be a mediation for today to try and identify what I really want to focus on and what’s important.

Fasting Resources for those so inclined:

On Defining Goals

I recently read an article in Garden & Gun (an excellent magazine if you love the culture of the South) on three women who returned to their family farm to make a living off what they could grow and create from their own labors. One of the women was a musician who had struggled through a large part of her life and found upon returning to a simpler life that she could escape from what the author called “hobbling introspection”. This phrase struck a powerful chord with me as I often times find myself hobbled by introspection and navel gazing. Over the past few days, I’ve been thinking about goals and resolutions and growth and the means to accomplish things. I find that occasionally the focus on such things lapses into hobbling introspection and little or nothing comes from the exercise. The question is “how best to avoid that?”

In the article, the woman returned to the land which can easily be translated into “started having to get up at 5 in the morning to milk the damn cows”. Waking at 5 AM for the physical labors of a farm leaves little time to worry about the existential meaning in your life. Having just moved back into the big city, I probably won’t be able to get a cow that needs milking anytime soon. Other people know that having a family provides. A crying child is just a powerful motivator as a full udder depending on the perspective. While that’s still an option, it’s probably not happening in the next 9 months for sure. And so those of us with no farm and no kids but a desire to quit navel gazing and wasting time introspecting are left to fill the time on our own.

Which is why some of us define goals/resolutions I think. My goals for the new year have almost always been about growing and learning as well as gaining new experiences. Two main problems come up with goals like that. One is making them specific enough to be actionable. Goals that are nebulous are typically difficult to implement so over the past few years, I have started having goals like “Spend 180 hours on languages”. This is an actionable goal but it brings up the second problem and that is tracking progress. Growth requires direction and if you can’t know that you are moving in the right direction the effects are lessened. Because so many of my goals are countable, it would help to have an activity tracking tool. A quick Google search gives me 85 million possibilities so that should fill my time for the next century. Still, it’s important to have a way to know you are on the right track. Last year, one of my goals was to spend 180 hours on The Sports Pool Hub. I didn’t track my time at all but I’m pretty sure I accomplished that. Still, it would be nice at the end of 2014 to say “I actually spent 200 hours on it and my, that sure is rewarding”. Without the confirmation that the goal has been reached, we lose the largest effect of establishing goals, the feeling of reward.

This makes me think of a book I read last year (2014 goal: read 12 books. I made it to 11), The Power of Habit. It’s an interesting book that looks at the habits of individuals, companies and societies. The development of habits in individuals was the most interesting to me and is most relevant to accomplishing goals. In the book, author Charles Duhigg details what it is that causes us to develop habits, good and bad. By analyzing this development, he gives us tools for breaking bad habits and replacing them with good ones. This also leads to noticing how more and more of your behaviors are actually just habits that you have fallen into. There are three main components to a habit.

The first is the cue. Every habit starts with a cue. For a smoker, it might be stress or a drink. For a runner, it might be the alarm going off at 5:30. All habits have a cue. Finding the cue or establishing a new one is a key to breaking or creating new habits. The second is reward. We get a reward when we do the behavior that the cue kicks off. Puffing on a cigarette gives us the hit of nicotine that lowers the stress (though not really, it just transfers the stress from our mind to our cardiovascular system but we don’t have to worry about that until we drop dead of a heart attack). Finishing a run gives us the reward of feeling strong. This is a critical part of establishing a new habit and the reward at first often needs to be external in nature. Want to establish a new exercise routine? Make the reward something you like such as a smoothie or cookie. When you finish a run, have that smoothie and soon your mind will associate the reward with the cue and the habit making it more likely you will continue.

The third component of habits is the most important. Everyone knows that habits are easy to develop when things are going well. When life is smooth, we can all get out of bed and go for a run. However, often bad habits were developed in times of stress and in times of stress, we fall back into a routine that solved that stress before. It’s the craving that causes that and that’s the third component. Craving is the internalization of the habit. You have to find ways to crave the new behavior. If you are replacing smoking with running, the craving for nicotine must be replaced with the craving and desire to be stronger and healthier. I’m reminded of an idea from The Happiness Hypothesis. In that book, Jonathan Haidt talks about the rider and the elephant. The rider is our conscious mind. The elephant is our sub and un conscious mind. The rider on an elephant cannot control the behavior or direction of the elephant by force. He must have other methods for that control. Craving is one of them. If we can cause our sub and unconscious minds to crave new behaviors related to our goals, we can succeed at them.

So for my goals this year, I’m hoping to find ways to establish habits through new cues, rewards and cravings to accomplish them. My first way of doing this is to set up a schedule for the activities. Establishing a schedule is beneficial because it can provide the cue. If at 5:30 AM, the first thing you do is lace up your sneakers to run, that alarm becomes not a cue for waking up but a cue for running. Many of us know that we are most productive with a schedule. The second way is to more accurately track effort on the goals as that becomes a reward. Running a faster mile than you did last month provides reward and leads to craving. The combination of these two things should establish a base for building cravings for the new goals at times when life is off schedule or stressful. This will help to keep the elephant on the path towards the goal while the rider eventually reaps the benefits.

My Measurable Goals for 2015
Spend 180 hours on Spanish
Spend 180 hours on The Sports Pool Hub
See 12 movies
Read 12 books
Write 26 letters
Write 52 things (blog posts, stories, whatever)

My Goals that the measurable goals come from
Most of these boil down to Produce More, Consume Less which might be the motto for 2015.
Write more
Code more
Hunt more
Save more
Read more
Grow more
Buy less
Want Less
Complain less

Lent 2014

I’ve had several things on my mind for Lent this year. As I mentioned in my 2012 Lenten explanation, I don’t have a lot to give up this year. I’ve quit drinking coffee, my diet has been mostly clean and my alcohol intake is fairly limited. However, after watching the three lectures by Dr. Richard Johnson on the dangers of sugar, I’ve decided to give it up including all sweeteners. I had no idea but in the metabolism of sugar, the body actually loses ATP because the fructose metabolism requires ATP. We are starting to see more and more research that confirms sugar to be major contributor to inflammation, chronic disease, obesity, diabetes and more. Our bodies aren’t designed to ingest the quantities of sugar, especially calorically dense simple sugars like high fructose corn syrup. Long story short, while I don’t eat a lot of sugar these days, I have cheat days and I’d like to see what it’s like to do without completely.

I’m hoping to get a blood panel done by WellnessFX so that I can measure any changes over the course of the 40 days of Lent. My current physician isn’t that interested in actually figuring out the biology behind why certain markers (like low thyroid) are happening. She’d much prefer to give me a pill and while I’ve been doing that for several years, I’d like to try a more biological approach through diet and nutrition. WellnessFX is a startup that provides blood panels at a decent cost that look more deeply into the results than just the topical numbers. I learned about it from Kelly Starrett’s Mobility WOD. Kelly is a pretty credible source in the CrossFit and physiology communities so I’m going to give it a try.

On the non-giving up, self improvement, improve the world side of Lent, I’ve been thinking of several things. The first is to not buy anything that isn’t made in America. Obviously, this would have to come with some caveats as everything we buy these days is cheap Chinese crap. But I’m not planning on buying much at all for the next few weeks so not sure this would have the daily impact that is in the spirit of Lent. The second is to not use anything a single time. Our culture has become a throwaway culture. Everything is trash immediately from the styrofoam our Big Macs come in to the plastic spoon we use to stir our coffee at work to the commodity consumer items like TVs and electronics. This would be a daily sacrifice which would mean I would either have to start being really creative with the styrofoam containers from the downstairs deli or bring my lunch every day. Finally, tonight I thought about committing to a single hobby for the entire 40 days. By committing I mean do it every day. In the list to choose from would be writing, practicing the piano, practicing the sax, taking a picture and working on learning a language.

I think I’m going to go with a blog post every day for Lent. Assuming all goes well, I can move on to the rest of the list after that, a “new habit every 40 days” kind of thing. Wish me luck, I may need it.

Lent And The Associated Non-Religious Giving Up or Taking On That I Might Do

It’s that time of year again. No, not the collective day we designate to celebrate all Presidents not important enough to be named Washington which essentially just turns into a reason for mutual fund traders to play golf. I’m talking about Lent, the onset of which is the culmination of that most human of celebrations, Mardi Gras. I’ve never actually been to Mardi Gras and in fact, at the advanced age of 39, probably couldn’t physically consume the requisite amount of Pat O’Brien’s hurricanes to even participate. Still, one has to think that any God-fearing Catholic or hedonistic utilitarian (of which I am neither) should attend Mardi Gras at least once, if for no other reason than to throw beads at bare chested women and either urinate or vomit in public, all in the name of a bacchanalian celebration that is meant to mark the coming of forty days of penitential self denial metaphorically representing Christ’s fast in the desert (I always want to say “fast in the dessert” which strikes me as a great liturgical oxymoron). Lent is a time for Christians to give up something dear as a minuscule reminder of the sacrifice Christ made before starting his public ministry.

And with Lent comes my ongoing quixotic desire to better myself in some measurable or even immeasurable way. In the past, my windmills qua giants have been donuts, The Internet (as opposed to the internet, a mild and less powerful cousin to the personified version I tried to give up) and Facebook. Like Don Quixote before me (much much before me, I had no idea that the novel was published in the early 1600s. No wonder he thought inns were castles and windmills giants, it must have been exceptionally difficult to occupy free time in 1605 with no Internet), I attack things during Lent that I perceive as menacing giants though my attack comes in the form of self-denial and I don’t even pretend to expect to defeat the giants. My seeds of interest in Lent were probably planted young as I remember writing an essay at one point for the Advent calendar for my church. However, it didn’t become a ritual until the past 10 years or so. I blame my friend and former coworker Mark who would do crazy things like give up coffee.

The idea of physical self-denial is obviously strongly tied to Christ’s own physical suffering in the desert. However, my list of physical addictions/compulsions is mercifully short, the donut one notwithstanding 3 years ago (I’ve since given up donuts so maybe there’s something to this Lent thing). So I tend to gravitate to intellectual denial where by intellectual I mean the depravity of Facebook. However, I typically also try to take on a creative endeavor for the days of Lent. I basically have chosen to co-opt the non-random forty days of Lent in an effort to do something like write more or code more or be randomly creative more. I could chose any forty days but Lent works well for my purposes.

This year, as of Fat Tuesday, I have come up with zero things to either give up or adopt as a habit for Lent. I have gone without Facebook several times in past years but at some point, one has to ask oneself if one continually feels the need to give up the same thing, maybe one should give said thing up entirely or get over one’s hangup about the cheapness of social activity represented as an application that specifically wants to collect one’s data and make money off of it. Coffee could have been an option as I had essentially given it up about two weeks ago but I had just replaced it with tea which seems tantamount to giving up heroin in favor of methadone or cigarettes in favor of goofy plastic cigarette Nicotine delivery systems. Christ didn’t go into the desert and give up eating fatty foods. He gave up food. Replacing the habit with something else seems counter to the spirit of the idea. Plus, no caffeine for me means insufferable caffeine withdrawal headaches and who needs that (though frankly a little suffering is probably the point). I am already on a strict paleo diet that has removed sugar and alcohol from my diet, two prime Lenten targets for lots of people. So the list of physical things to give up is short this year.

We’ve already covered Facebook. I briefly considered Twitter but frankly, I actually like Twitter in a way Facebook lacks, namely I can post something on Twitter and not worry much about whether people say anything about it whereas on Facebook, I neurotically expect things I say to be discussed and commented upon, a happenstance that doesn’t actually happen that often leaving me to neurotically wonder if people actually like me, ala Stuart Smalley. It’s difficult to write about one’s neuroses without sounding self-indulgent but let’s just say I’m addicted to the tiny drop of dopamine I get when someone comments on one of my statuses on Facebook. Like previous nicotine (and sugar and bread and candy if my current cravings as a result of Eat Real are any clue) addictions, this addiction is south of the equator of the healthy-unhealthy hemispheres and is probably a reason why I have such a love-hate-hate-occasionally-sort-of-like relationship with Facebook. But this isn’t a post about Facebook so let’s not degrade the conversation any farther than we already have.

One of my constant interests relates to the intersection of attention, concentration and discipline. At one time, I thought discipline was an attribute you were born with like the attributes necessary to play professional basketball or sing with perfect pitch. It’s far more convenient to think that since that absolves you of any of the requisite work to actually develop discipline. But in extensive reading about discipline as well as attention and concentration, I think it’s clearly an attribute that you can bootstrap slowly by increasing the amount of discipline you exert every day. This has always been a difficult task but in the information age of constant and total dedication to acquiring more information, discipline as it relates to attention and concentration is monumentally hard to acquire. Of course, this begins to sound even more self-indulgent as there are many people who wake up each day and do what is required to continue down a path of their choosing. However, I’d argue that they are able to do this because of the long standing acquisition of the ability to be disciplined. Or they are forced to be disciplined by life circumstances, either chosen or unchosen, that dictate they be disciplined because they have five children or they owe the Yakuza a Datsun or they are poor. It is only recently that the artifact of choosing to be disciplined has arisen in our culture. Once upon a time, you got up when the damn cock started crowing (Charlie Sheen is in my head telling cock jokes right now) and you went about the hard work of making a living. The fact that I have a blog and am discussing discipline is probably giving my grandfather an aneurysm in his grave, rest his soul. I”m really not trying to find ways to make this post more self-indulgent but I’m succeeding extravagantly anyway. The topic of discipline as it relates to your status in life is probably the topic for another post entirely.

Ahem. So this Lent, I’m going to try and establish a disciplined habit of waking earlier than I’m comfortable with. As a general rule, I’m up by 6:30 at the latest, weekends included. This isn’t necessarily by choice as I have a cat who demands to be fed at what seems at the time the ungodly hour of 6 AM. However, I tend to wake up naturally these days by 7 for sure. It doesn’t take much effort on my part to do that. So, in the spirit of giving up something substantially difficult for Lent, I’m going to give up sleeping past 5 AM for the next forty days. That’s not an entirely arbitrary time. Assuming The Great Sabbatical is going to end within a few weeks, I looked at the list of things I’d like to do most mornings and in order to get them all in and still be at work by say, 9 AM, approximately 4 hours are required. But 5 AM sounds just crazy enough that it’s a worthwhile goal in and of itself.

I’m not going to take on any specific creative goals. I think getting up at 5 AM may naturally allow me to write more or play the guitar more (though seriously, I have lost all sensation in the tips of the fingers on my left hand and I’m only practicing chords about 15 minutes a night. I’m not sure I’m so interested in the guitar if it means sensation loss). We’ll see how that works out.